behind the mask
by shannonjadetcuk
Summary: Lily Evans was smart, pretty, had good, was prefect, in line for head girl and had one of the hottest boys in love with her. she was perfect. Except she wasn't, she had a mask and made everyone think she was who she wanted to be. what happens when someone finds out. (trigger: depression, self-harm, body issues.) this is only on trial, if people like it I'll continue


_To those reading I hope you never have to feel the way I have. The despair, the hopelessness, the black hole. It's like there's this leech and it's feeding off of the happiness in your brain. In a way, it's as if you've got your own personal dementor that follows you around. But then again, no. It's not like that at all, because you have moments when you forget and everything's fine. You're even happy for a while. That's until it crashes and it crashes hard. There's nothing you can do to prevent or stop it. It just happens. That's only the start._

_If I was to explain it all, it would take a lifetime and even then, it's almost impossible to understand unless you've been through it. Feeling like you don't deserve the happiness, your friends – anyone who cares about you. But then again who would care about you, you're probably just some sick joke to them. They probably laugh at you behind your back and call you all sorts of things. And trust. Who can you trust? No one because no one cares they only pretend to._

_There's the part in you that knows better that knows all the doubt and the worry is just in your head. It's like a sick joke – knock, knock. Who's there? Imagination. Imagination who? Your imagination! Then you start running, you start telling yourself to ignore it, that it's all lies, but it always catches you in the end. And you sit there watching from the sidelines making comments but being ignored as you watch your life and everything good unfold and get destroyed. Everything good, gone in a matter of moments, seconds that just tick by, all because you didn't put up enough of a fight and you let it come in and take over. Running from it does nothing, you may as well open the door and invite it in for tea. _

_So what do you do about it? Smile. Laugh. Pretend everything's alright, because the second you open up and admit that you're not okay the leech comes back, with all its lies. Its sick sick lies. _

_Then there's the two different types of people. First are the ones that tell you to man up and grow a pear. After all, they know all about how easy it is to gain back the blood that you lost to a leech while you're stranded on your own on a deserted island that shows the remains of an eruption and signs of an eruption close to come. Second are the people that tell you everything's going to be alright. They hold your hand, cuddle you and provide you with all the comfort food in the world. While they tell, you about how it's going to get better and there's a light at the end of a tunnel except they don't know that the tunnel you're standing in is collapsing and the ground is so unstable that the smallest sign of movement might cause the whole tunnel to cave in leaving you crushed under rocks unable to move. So tell me which person are you? _

_Or are you neither. Are you the one stood on the sidelines watching, not knowing what to do? Are the person that tries to gain my trust only for it to be thrown back in your face, because I tell myself that it's not real? Who are you? Are you the leech? Are you the person that doesn't notice a thing? Make up your mind because if you're none of those then you're not in my life. There's the door you can let it hit you on the way out, because I do not have room in me to care for another thing. _

_And if you think for one moment that knowing all this information makes you special. Then you're severally mistaken. Just know that if you tell anyone I'll do what I'm best at – lie. Pretend everything's alright because it is. I'm fine always have been always will be. Whether you believe me or not the answer always will be. I'm fine. _

_Lily Evans….._

"Evans?" my eyes flicker between him and the bit of paper, knowing full well that it's from the book. That's the only explanation considering the fact that it is muggle paper, he's asking me about it and the handwriting is distinctively mine. "What is this?" I look to the floor as he tries to push the paper in my face. A quick glance at the first line of the paper reveals every single word to me. I memorised that one, I memorised each one, so the few first words are all I need to know exactly what he has read. My eyes stay focused on the floor. We're in the common room, but it's empty. It is 3am after all. "Dam it Evans! What is this?" I look past him to the remaining three marauders and look back at to the floor. "Really Evans? You won't even look at me?"

"Look Lily, we're just worried about you." I scoff at the pathetic attempt from Remus to try and get me to talk.

"Worried my ass, and you really expect me to talk after you go stealing my stuff!"

"We didn't steel your stuff."

"Oh really, so how have you got that?"

"We found it on the side." I look at Remus. I never thought I'd see the day when he lied to me.

"I can't believe you'd lie to me Remus. My book goes missing and you four just happen to find a page of it lying around. Sorry if it seems a bit coincidental."

"There's a whole book of stuff like this?" finally I look up at James. His face is a mixture of horror and surprise. In fact all of them look like that. They really don't have my book. I want to say so many different things, but like always I speak without thinking. "Of course, haven't you heard of this called a diary. Well, it's not abnormal for a girl to have a diary. Expect I don't have a diary I have a book where I just write whatever I think when I think it." It happens and I can't control it. There is nothing for me to do about it. Like always, I'm left regretting what I said. "Look, I'll take it back and we can go to our dorms and forget this ever happened."

"So you can go back and… how do you put it?" he looks through the paper trying find my exact words, but I beat him to it. "I'll do what I'm best at – lie. Pretend everything's alright because it is. I'm fine always have been always will be. Whether you believe me or not the answer always will be. I'm fine." I see James eyes following the words as I recite them word for word and I take a deep breath as I finish. I look to the floor. Out of embarrassment and shame. He looks back at his friends. "See guys, she even knows this thing by heart." I stop a tear from forming.

"Look just give it back to me and things can back to the way they were." I say the words, but I don't even believe them.


End file.
